Hey now!

I think this blog is dead.

Ever since I got the Sirius hookup, I've had little interest in regular radio or television...

Clash of the Titans

Well, maybe "clash" is the wrong word... that implies a personality conflict and tension (see Mike Nowak vs. Steve Dale). But my dad took me to see Clash of the Titans back in the day, and to a kid under 10... it mesmerized me, it amused me, it scared me, it freaked my shit out... and I loved it! I saw it again a few years later, and the effects are SO fakey. But I don't care... it still rules. Medusa and that snake hair was the best!

But anyway... this past Thursday night I was one of those brilliant jackoffs who had shit to do right in the middle of the fucking snowstorm. It had been snowing all afternoon, but little did I know that not one single snow truck had bothered to plow not one single fucking street between my place and my destination. So I had to go pick up the girl, drive back (to essentially where I started) to drop some shit off, and then head back to where I'd originally picked her up. When I left my apartment shortly after "regular business hours", I was counting on stopping somewhere during that trip to get some food since I hadn't had a bite all day. But shortly after I left, I got caught in the clusterfuck of all clusterfucks.

I'm a pretty defensive driver, but that night I wasn't even considering pulling any shit. Neither was anyone else really (except for the FedEx truck seen driving on the sidewalk!)... but it was like every motherfucker out there on the road was a bigger pussy than every other motherfucker out there on the road. All told, the tree trips I made totalled 2-1/2 hours... and the total trip length of each of those trips was 2-1/2 miles. 3 different city street routes (none better than another) totalling 7-1/2 miles in about 2-1/2 hours. What in the fuck?!

So it got late and we were lucky we made it to where we needed to be in time... but the dinner stop was eliminated and we picked up some chow instead. Then after we both got done what we needed to get done, we headed out again. At this point it was way after business hours, and we figured getting back would be OK... it was street parking we were mainly worried about. Ended up the main streets were finally plowed, and I managed to spin out back into a decent parking sport after all... the real bitch of the night was that 2-1/2 hours that coulda been better spent.

BUT, the point of this post in the first place has to do with my radio being tuned to The Loop alot that day for the Jon-a-thon... Brandmeier on the air for 28 hours for WLUP's annual Make-A-Wish fundraiser. The dude's still got it... he was full of energy every time I tuned in. At about 11:38pm on Thursday night, Johnny and Byrd bantered on air together! It was magic... pure bliss. I wasn't near a radio around 8pm... did they team up to Get the Led Out? That would have absolutely fucking RULED.

Twofer Tuesday ?!

There's nothing really to celebrate or bitch about lately, but there's one constant nagging issue in my mind...

On Twofer Tuesday, why are there still three songs during Get the Led Out?!

If you look at WLUP's "Features" page, those two features contradict each other.

Ideally it should be six songs (a Twofer per song in the Zep Set), but I'd settle for four.

C'mon, Byrd... you almost nailed it tonite! Battle of Evermore, D'yer Mak'er, and Misty Mountain Hop... followed by a great phone call (though Byrd still needs a better tape editor).

ISABELLA: Hey Sexy, how are you?! [obvious edit] Can you play some Guns n' Roses for me please?

BYRD: Who's this?

ISABELLA: I'm Isabella. (said sexily Ee-sabella)

BYRD: Isabella (said Iss-abella), you 'cited... or... or... I don't know. Maybe you're in-indulging in helium... what's... what's going on there?

ISABELLA: I'm just drinking with my mom, and we're cooking some [unintelligible].

BYRD: Oh, so you're dipping into the cooking wine, are ya?

ISABELLA: Yeah... why not? Haaa...

BYRD: Ha, ha, ha, ha!

ISABELLA: You should come over and join us...

BYRD: Is that right?

ISABELLA: Yeah! Ha, ha...

BYRD: Wellll... think I've got an invite!

BUMPER: All requests, all night long. This is The Loop on Demand.

BYRD: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...

MUSIC: Night Train by Guns N' Roses

BYRD: Well this seems appropriate.

Byrd is off at midnight. Leave the light on, Isabella!

and I got myself a beer

It's 8:03pm, and I'm suffering at the end of Roadhouse Blues. The Doors, man... shit. I very very reluctantly admit that I like The Doors... but only because the sum is much much greater than their really really shitty parts. The band is fucking a joke. How can anyone take a band without a bass seriously? Keyboards rule, but they ain't a lead instrument when you're trying to rock. Not to mention Ray Manzarek is one of the most arrogant bastards who's ever walked the earth. Talk about self-important. This guy, along with the other two musicians, actually carried on The Doors name for two records immediately after Jim Morrison died. Not to mention the shit he and Robby Krieger tried to pull with The Doors of the 21st Century with Ian Astbury of The Cult (and don't even get me started on how the once-mighty Cult has let me down). Astbury's out there fronting D21C, actually thinking he's Morrison reincarnated. Ri-goddamn-diculous. John Densmore is the only guy to seem cool these days, but he's not without sin either. There was a good article in the Tribune awhile back (unfortunately it's beyond the free access limit in their archives), all about how he's the only one stopping the rest of the band from selling out their entire catalog to commercials, a la The Who. Manzarek and Krieger are pissed because he still has some integrity... as much integrity you can have after you've played with The Doors.

But I already digress. Speaking of selling out... it's 8:04pm and it's finally time to Get the Led Out. When do we welcome Cadillac as the new sponsor of this segment?

BYRD: "Here we are. Let's get the party started! Percy, Bonzo (he of lead foot and butterfly hands), Robert, Jimmy, John Paul and John. It's time to Get the Led Out. Let's get one from you. Hi, The Loop."

JOSH: "The Girl I Love Got Long Black Wavy Hair."

BYRD: "And who's this?"

JOSH: "Josh."

BYRD: "Josh... you got it! All requests, all night long. This is The Loop on Demand."

If I didn't know any better, I'd think there were six dudes in Zeppelin after that intro. But I'll let this one slide. Byrd is excited to rock. And Josh, you almost got the name of the song right. It's The Girl I Love She Got Long Black Wavy Hair. That's cool, though. It's better to Get the Led Out a little late and with a couple minor errors, than to not Get the Led Out at all.

Now this song is a fucking rocker. It's from the BBC Sessions double CD, and obviously morphed into Moby Dick on Led Zeppelin II. Robert has it bad for a girl with long black wavy hair. That's it, baby. She shakes just like a willow tree. That's all you need. To the point... chicks, guitars, and a thumping beat. Not that Robert didn't try some "deep" lyrics on occasion (too much weed and Tolkein), but this shit is as good as it gets.

Back to Morrison... a hack poet of the highest order. That guy wrote some of the worst lyrics in the history of rock. It's all straight out of a drugged-out 15 year old sadsack's spiral notebook. I guess good looks will get you places after all. I challenge anyone to find a good, meaningful line out of any Doors song. "You know they are a liar"? Fuck you, Lizard King.

Can someone explain to me the fadeout on Wavy Hair? That was recorded live for the BBC. Did some engineer fade them out as they were playing, or did that happen when they finally put the track on disc? It boggles my mind. But here we go now... fading into Whole Lotta Love. Another fucking rocker, about chicks and how much Robert wants to bang them! I'd love to get my hands on the short version of that song, with the orgasmic middle part excised out of it. It's like the first time I heard the single version of In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida. My dad would crank Side A (I think I made the mistake of trying to listen to Side B just once) of that record on his piece-of-furniture radio/turntable until the scratches and pops were intolerable. We actually split the cost of a CD to replace it, and it also included the 2:something minute version. They chopped a good 15 minutes off that song! It sounds hilarious.

And speaking of Whole Lotta Love, I gotta give props to the person who mashed it with Snoop Dogg's Drop It Like It's Hot. Look it up NOW. I found it as Drop It Like It's A Whole Lotta Love by Snoop Zeppelin. For awhile I was downloading mashups like crazy, but the whole genre took off almost above-ground... so there's alot of crap out there now. This one isn't one of the earliest, but it still kicks ass. Too bad the newer-skool mashers are gunning for radio play now (does Q101 still do their Face Down Mash Up every night?), because the only bad part about this one is they use the radio edit of Snoop's lyrics.

Anyway, Byrd hit a bumper and segues into Down by the Seaside. A nice change-up there, Byrd. It's nice to come down and catch our breath after a twofer of pure rock.

BYRD: "Chicago's Zeppelin Station, 97.9 The Loop... as we Got the Led Out successfully again tonight. Uh, three song set. Of course there Down by the Seaside, kinda a nice uh mellow one for a Monday evening. Also uh played uh right off the top The Girl With Uh Long Wavy Hair, The Girl I Love. And uh Whole Lotta Love in there too, right off the top. Byrd here. We'll do it again tomorrow night... Get the Led Out. 312-591-rock, 591-ROLL."

I think Byrd was a little preoccupied tonight. Maybe he was thinking of long hair and cowboy boots. It's also funny that when Byrd is live from 7pm to midnight, the "ON AIR NOW" box in the top right corner of WLUP.com still lists him for "MORNINGS".

Sue from Chicago requests Metallica. If she asked for a specific song, it didn't make it to air. So what do we get? Awesome asskicking Metallica? Master of Puppets? Fade to Black? No. We get shitty Metallica... Nothing Else Matters. C'mon now! I'm going to download Tall Cool One and crack open a Coca-Cola.

Brandmeier Mornings The Loop 97.9

Merely a day after I saw the Joey Bag-O-Donuts billboard being covered by a cool-ass Brandmeier ad, the job is now complete. It's on Grand and Carpenter, looking north over the genius expressway entrance/exit mess at Ohio and Ontario Streets.

Look at it. Gaze deep into Johnny's eyes. You are getting...

The Eagle has landed... The Byrd is in flight

Today was a gawddamned interesting day in Chicago radio. There's something in the airwaves lately... something I've never felt in all the time I've lived up here. All this history of great local broadcasting has been lost on me as a non-native. Stories of talkers like Wally Phillips, Steve Dahl (I hear he was actually good at one time), and Jay Marvin... and jocks like Larry Lujack, Captain Whammo, and even motherfucking Bob Sirott... have only been second-hand for me. I came up here already hooked on Howard Stern, but wanted to try some of the local flavor. Fucking Mancow was near the end of his reign on Rock 103.5, and he fucking sucked there. This is the guy Stern was ragging on nationally? He wasn't worth anyone's time at all... fuck the 15 year old suburban pimply youths who dug him. And Dahl... the fucking whiner who manages to cram a whole hour of radio into a five-hour broadcast... constantly crying how Howard ripped him off? WTF?! OK you douche... maybe he followed you on some shitty station in Detroit, but he's fucking mastered the craft. How you keep getting work is beyond my comprehension, but your fucking petty fat bitch whining screams of jealousy. Fuck you.

Anyway... today the fucking jackoffs at Infinity issued Howie a suspension for tomorrow 11/8, possibly marking the dumbest move in radio history. You have a guy who signed with a rival company over a year ago, yet you kept him employed with you? A bad-ass motherfucker who speaks his mind, a fucking genius businessman with a grand plan... and you get mad when he bashes you? So you suspend him, but plan to play his gawddamn tapes while he's in the penalty box? Wednesday morning, man... it's going to be a fucking Infinity fist fest. I'm tuning in at 5am. And if the imbeciles behind Free FM think that this is a stunt to get people on their fucking bandwagon, they're stupid. They're battling the fucking king of self-promotion.

But I digress, of course. Today kinda marked the return of Johnny B! Apparently he was already on Saturday and Sunday mornings, but I sleep late... it's much easier on my constitution. The show this morning was really rough... commercials would start out of nowhere, and some of the conversation was pretty stilted. But it was great to hear the bastard again. Eat me, JB! The new crew is the wildcard, though... he brought them all to town from his L.A. gig. Not that I'm anti-California (well, OK... maybe a little), but it might take awhile to get used to a whole lot of new people. But then I'd never heard Brandmeier when he was on The Loop before... I listened him first on his midday gig on WCKG. There's nowhere to go from here but up, my man. And if that past is any indication, Johnny's going to be my live morning guy even after I get the Sirius.

So finally, to wrap this up... tonight I rushed my ass home to hear the re-debut Get the Led Out with none other than motherfucking Byrd himself! Yeah... Byrd! But speaking of rusty radio, apparently even Byrd has his days. It probably wasn't his fault, but he didn't Get the Led Out until 3 or 4 minutes after 8pm. The Loop was fucking rocking on Can't You Hear Me Knocking... one of my favorite Stones tunes... ending right at 7:59pm according to my geek computer. "What a perfect fucking segue... a great way for Byrd's triumphant return..." I thought to myself. "Yes!" So here comes Byrd with some info about the next Stones tour, but wait... what is this? This isn't Zeppelin. Tell me, Byrd... what are you playing? Nickelback?! What?! It's 8pm, and it's time to Get the Led Out! I don't want to hear any crap Nickelback. FUCK Nickelback. What are you trying to be, WLUP? Are you classic rock? Are you new rock? Are you classic rock, with some shitty new rock sprinkled in? Damn you!


ButBut in this travesty, I see an opportunity. Back at the good old Ohio/Ontario I-90/94 clusterfuck, I saw today that damn Joey Bag-O-Donuts dude about a third platered over by a kickass new JB billboard. So before I started drinking tonight... I ran out to my car, cranked up the Byrd, and drove over to get a photo. Pretty fucking sweet.

Byrd did a pretty decent job during Get the Led Out... all things considered. There must be an edict from the suits to take a damn request at the top of the segment, but Byrd makes the best of it.

BYRD: "Hoo! Hah! The Led Zeppelin Appreciation Society will now come to order. Bang bang... and I need a gavel... bang bang. 312-591-ROCK, 591-ROLL... Hi, The Loop."

KEN: "What up, Byrd?"

BYRD: "How you doing?"

KEN: "Awesome to hear you at night. This is Ken. How about some uh, Led Zeppelin? I'd like to hear Houses of the Holy."

BYRD: "Excellent! What do you do?"

KEN: "I, uh... I'm an assitant manager at an Auto Zone."

BIG VOICE BUMPER: "All requests, all night long. This is The Loop on demand, with Byrd. The Loop."

[Houses of the Holy starts]

BYRD: A man who knows his parts... and don't we all?

What? I don't get it. But Byrd will get his bearings soon enough. A question/tip for Byrd... who's doing your production? We all know the calls are taped, but that was a pretty hack job to hear Ken make his way from "Awesome to hear you..." to "...Houses of the Holy." YIKES.

Byrd contines to Get the Led Out with In the Evening and Black Dog. Nice choices. So why did you have to ruin it afterwards by taking a bad request from John from Milwaukee? Does anyone actually like Triumph's Lay it on the Line? WLUP still isn't streaming, so how can you even take a request from some Cheesehead in Milwaukee? (Said affectionately, of course... I love Wisconsin. And cheese. And beer. And brats!) I appreciate the info about the Wilsons Leather Zeppelin-styled jackets... but lay it on the fucking line and play something cooler than this shit. You're Byrd, for gawd's sake. Byrd is here to rock, and Byrd will fucking rock. Have faith in Byrd... and Byrd, have faith in Byrd. It's great to hear Byrd back on at nights, with JB on in the mornings!

Now if only we could get Seaver back in the full-time lineup somewhere...

Turn and face the strain

What in the fuck is going on?

We've all known for a long time that Howard is leaving the terrestrial airwaves, but when I heard David Lee Roth on Stern this morning... it fucking hit me. That's it. He's gone. I still plan on making the leap to Sirius, but money's tight. My folks give me some dough for Xmas each year, so I think I'll ask them for the radio hardware instead. I was still half asleep when DLR was on the show this morning, but what woke my ass up was a really bad promo where a fake Blink 182 is singing about Howard... and then some jackass named Rover interrupts them and tells us oh-so-lucky Chicagoans that he's our new morning guy. Rover? Gawddamn. I have some friends in Ohio ([sarcasm]a bastion of innovative radio[/sarcasm]), and am curious if they have even heard of him. He looks like fucking Mancow Junior. And speaking of Mancow, his fucking PR machine was in overdrive and was actually getting him press... but he got abolute-lay nothing in the deal. Fucking Rover got like 5 markets, and Mancow got jack shit. Let me predict now that the next air war will be Rover vs. Mancow... and no one will care. And check out the updated WCKG website. After Howard signs off, so do I. They lost my radio presets. In the face of the inevitable threat of satellite and internet radio, Infinity comes up with "Free FM"... a network of shitty talk programming from coast to coast. Out of all the Stern replacements, Adam Corolla could work... but the rest will fall. It's amazing enough that they need 3 radio teams to carve up Howard's empire... so why even try? Genius move, Hollander. I could work for half of what your execs are making, and I came up with better ideas while taking a shit tonight.

Anyway, I must acknowledge that the purpose of this blog has been fulfilled. Feder confirmed this morning that Brandmeier is back soon, and Byrd is taking his rightful place in the evenings... where he will Get the Led Out every fucking night! So even though I digress like crazy around here, I've gotta come up with another mission statement.

Here's the catch though, and something that's getting very little press... Steve Seaver is OUT. He's off the WLUP website already, even though they forgot to remove his name from Get the Led Out. He used to take a beating from me here, but dammit the big lug really grew on me. The man is a solid jock. And if that's not bad enough, the guy they didn't shitcan is that zookeeper wannabe Zakk Tyler (nice spelling, you dick). They continue to trust the afternoon drive to that jackoff. How can you counter a brilliant move like hiring Brandmeier with keeping Zakk on board? If the Loop had a full brain, they'd make it Brandmeier, Cara, Seaver, Byrd, and motherfucking Allan Stagg! There's a dream lineup there.

So come mid-December, what else will there be to listen to? Not counting college radio... Q101 sounds great (minus the Manfuck), 'XRT is good from 10pm-12am on Tuesday nights, The Loop will be awesome most of the time, B96 is a guilty pleasure (Holla!), and Nick Digilio fucking rules on WGN-AM. I've completely given up on WBEZ (a long time ago) and WLS (Roe Conn was their only asset and he's become a fucking bore), and in a matter of weeks... WCKG can suck it.

Howard Stern is dead. Long live Howard Stern!